As humans, we have the tendency to judge ourselves by our intentions or what we meant to do or say or to justify our behavior due to what we are going through at the moment. For example, we snap at someone and say, “It’s because I’m so stressed or tired” or whatever else we are going through. However, we typically judge other people by their actions without offering them the same grace we offer ourselves. We see someone snapping at someone else and immediately think, “Well, she’s just rude.”
Isn’t it interesting how we can justify our behavior so quickly while criticizing someone else’s.
Isn’t it interesting how two people can get into an argument and both walk away feeling like the “victim?” Why is that? It’s usually because we are pointing at the “speck” in the other person’s eye instead of acknowledging the “log” in ours. I’m guilty!
This leads to spiritual blindness and prevents us from seeing what we contributed to the conflict.
The book of Proverbs often talks about rushing to judgement and assuming one’s own righteousness in a dispute. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) or what about “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart.” (Proverbs 21:2)
Once we have determined we are the victim, we become emotionally walled off and resistant to peace. “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.” (Proverbs 18:19)
The feeling of being an innocent victim creates a fortress of self-pity and anger that is extremely difficult to break.
The Biblical solution requires us to drop our victim stance, take radical responsibility for our part, and actively pursue reconciliation. We have to choose humility over selfishness. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2: 3-4)
We have to learn to silence our inner lawyer and seek peace. Restoration can be more important than being “right.”
However, I can’t say all of this without adding an important caveat. Romans 12: 18 says, “if it is possible, as far is it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
We can only be responsible for our own heart, attitude, actions, words and efforts to reconcile. We can’t force someone into reconciliation. We are not responsible for other’s hearts, actions, words, mental health status, stubbornness or refusal to repent for wrongdoing.
The Bible recognizes that peace is not always possible, particularly when dealing with people who are unrepentant, abusive or simply unwilling to let go of their grievance.
Once you have done your part, confessed your sin, sought reconciliation and forgiveness, you have fulfilled your responsibility and can release the need to force the outcome.
If you walk away lacking inner peace, read Philippians 4:6-7 and entrust the relationship, the hurt, and the lack of reconciliation to God, which is the only true way to find rest.
